What’s up with breadcrumbing, cushioning, benching and ghosting? I thought when I got back into the world of dating that all I would have to worry about were catfish, but Millenials have added a whole new low to online dating with almost no integrity or accountability. And it’s not just Millenials; older men are guilty of this appalling behavior which seems to be more and more accepted as the norm when it comes to online dating, and I don’t get it.
In the last year, I have heard stories from women who are smart, sexy, and successful who have all dealt with men who behave in appalling ways; from canceling to disappearing to ghosting.
Breadcrumbing I suppose comes from the Hansel and Gretel fairytale where someone sprinkles tiny little crumbs all over your social media, phone and dating profiles every once in awhile just when you give up hope, just a little nibble to keep you on the trail. They don’t want you, but they want you to want them. They leave their crumby compliments and comments and Likes in circles so you stick around, but they have you going in circles, confused, lost, clueless about their intentions. Fuck ’em. Don’t sniff around hoping for some of their sickly sweet candy; there is a hot shrimp and steak buffet for you to sink your teeth into just outside of their hairy ass forest. Stick to the trail you know is going to get you to your destination and leave the crumbs for the birds. Next.
Cushioning and benching are some bullshit moves men talk about when they brag about how they play The Game. I hate sports, but I read a bit from the sick book The Game by self-proclaimed pickup artist Neil Strauss because I wanted to see whether it was a dating manual for men on how to meet women, but it was more like The Bible for Satan. This book instructs guys on how to emotionally and verbally abuse and degrade women by teaching fucked up tricks on getting women into bed. Anyway, if you’re a woman tired of being put on the back bench by a guy who treats you like a “B” or “C” teammate rather than someone he values as an MVP, read He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I suggest reading The Game as well but don’t buy it. Get a coffee at a Barnes and Noble cafe and browse through it or get a cheap used copy if you must, but don’t give that evil, sick fucker any of your money or support for all but advocating rape.
Now Ghosting is the worst. I hate when people do this shit. Ghosting means someone simply disappears from your life in an instant with no warning or explanation, as if they were a figment of your imagination like you had an imaginary friend, or maybe you were fucking Casper the Ghost.
Okay, I’ll confess; I once had a date with someone I met online and I left once he showed up, but I didn’t ghost him. I was catfished.
We had planned to meet at an Italian place on the Upper East Side. He looked good in his picture; 6’5″, bald, a body L.L. Cool J would envy, and he had gorgeous brown eyes with lashes you can’t by at Ricky’s. The man was fine. I mean Boris Kodjoe fine. I sat at the table closest to the door, nervous, fixing my hair and checking my lipstick every two minutes. The place was empty except for me and the waiter who kept coming over to ask me if I was sure I didn’t need anything.
Finally, the door opened, but it wasn’t my date. He couldn’t be. Absolutely impossible. But he was.
This guy who walked directly over to my table, grinning like the sinister Cheshire cat from Alice in Carazytown looked nothing like the tall, gorgeous single black man I had been fantasizing about marrying for two weeks since we met online.
The smiling, giggling stranger in front of me could not have been taller than 5’3″, with bright Ronald McDonald red hair and freckles, and pasty white skin except for the red blotches on his cheeks. He was wearing a Pee Wee Herman bow tie. He had dressed up for his date, who was apparently; me.
Now I know that I don’t look like my pictures. In fact, on my dating profiles online I make a point to put my exact weight and age, and I try to put recent photos, but I am extremely photogenic. However, they are pictures of me. This little Irish boy walked over to my table and I swear my mouth dropped and I could barely stutter a reply as he introduced himself.
I was flabbergasted.
“What the hell?” was all I could sputter as he sat down at my table.
“I don’t understand. Why would you send me someone else’s picture?” He had no good explanation other than to say that he thought I would not meet him if I knew what he looked like. Well, no shit!
I’ve met people who didn’t look like their pictures; one modelly looking guy had severe acne, another guy seemed nice but never smiled in his photos, and the minute we met I found out why as he exposed a mouth full of f*ed up, black jack-o-lantern teeth with an ear to ear grin…but they had sent pictures of themselves, just really flattering photos taken in some damn good light.
So, yeah, I left that date really early and I did not have dinner. But I showed up! And if he had sent me his real pictures before our date, I would have canceled, but I would not have simply stood him up or “ghosted” him. I just don’t understand how so many men (people, because I’m sure women do it as well) can have absolutely no integrity. It’s a strange phenomenon with online dating.
Have you ever been guilty of any of these online crimes? You can tell us anonymously, but please, try to shed some light on these bizarre behaviors and why they’re so common nowadays.